MARRIAGE

– Bringing back familes, one mother at a time. –

06/01/2023

As a young person, especially a young woman: How can you prepare yourself for a healthy marriage? How can you ensure that unhealthy anti-marriage patterns you might have grown up with don't shape who you become as a spouse and what kind of spouse you choose for yourself?

In my opinion, there are no set lessons a la: “Do these 10 things and all will be jolly”. It is an individual path that every young woman that wishes to can only carve out for herself. That does by no means mean that she will be alone. It is essential that such a young woman is surrounded by knowledgeable, kind, loving, more experienced women. Such a young woman should also be surrounded by “sisters”, like-minded other young women of a similar age.

As to the first question: How can I prepare myself for a healthy marriage (especially if I have not experienced anything like that before)?

One possible way is to open the Bible or old fairytale books. Even as a non-Christian or non-Jewish person, you will hopefully realise that the Bible contains condensed human experience in history. Even if you understand its stories (omly) as parables, there are some fundamental concepts in it. Some of these concepts lead to happiness, love and fulfilment. Others lead to sorrow, distrust and violence.
Study marriages in the Bible or other literature works. Study how each of the partners describe their spouse, their marriage, their family. Look for stories where men describe their wives as beautiful, as home makers. Where men honour and praise the mothers of their children. Read the stories in which husbands treat their wives with love and both spouses respect and praise each others roles in their shared life.
As a wife, you are a future mother, a homemaker, a source of love and creativity. A caregiver and nurture to your family. Be proud of that.
To be able to be all that to your family, you first need to learn how to be all that to yourself. A marriage is sacrifice. A sacrifice to a shared, bonded life. In order to understand if your potential spouse will give you all his heart to fulfil, protect and care for you needs in this band you need to be aware of your own needs first. You need to understand if you potential spouse will look out for you.
I came into marriage unaware I had any needs. And I'm very grateful to have found a spouse who naturally cared and protected my needs without overwhelming me. As a young woman look for a man who has read the Bible and is interested in the same kind of marriage stories as you are. Look for a man that is looking for marriage, looking for a wife to take charge of the home and household.

Stay away from men that cannot or will not offer you companionship.

I always knew that I wanted a traditional man, conservative marriage and life. Full of love and companionship. If you don’t make these wishes known when you first meet a potential partner how are you supposed to find out if he agrees with these goals? Only date for marriage, not for fun.

As a young woman look in places like the military (not as a member, necessarily), the police force or firefighter department for opportunities to meet single men. Open days and volunteering with these departments are great opportunities to build a local network within these spaces. Note: By “looking” I don't in any way mean“Flirt with everyone and screw around a lot.” By looking I mean: Get to know people in the comfort of shared group activities. Observe how people treat one another, how they treat equipment and other people's property.

In my opinion you can tell ALL about a man's honour by how he treats his subordinates or perceived inferiors (waiters, servers etc.).

I specifically named the a-forementioned places because they seem to still attract more conservative, traditionally minded men (in general, not always). In addition, it seems like local police or fire departments might offer good opportunities to volunteer and support your local community. It seems like every community should have at least one of these close by.

How are you to present yourself to the world?

All women possess a natural beauty, born from elegance and security, without jealousy to others or any arrogancy. Young women should find a style that is comfortable, affordable and timeless. Don't wear a mask (heavy makeup or fancy clothes are only part of that) and don't run after every fashion. Keep your hair neat and out of your eyes. Wear shoes that are comfortable. Have a pair for special occasions (like church or an invitation to a wedding), a pair for sports or long walks and a pair for everyday life. Dress so that you will never be forced to tuck at a shirt or shorts constantly. Dress in clothes that are durable (look for secondhand as an affordable option for this). Always look for pockets, a small backpack or purse. Always carry at least one item of identification (a special necklace, ID, a watch, ETC.) on your person. Don't wear clothes or jewellery that you get entangled in, that gets in your way, or that will take a long time to take off at night. Don't show you cleavage or upper thigh (way above the knee). Don't expose your midriff or wear clothes that stick to you like a diving suit. Wear clothes that you like, that compliment you and you feel comfortable in.

ADD-ON:

A marriage based on cooperation and gratitude

12/27/23

“How can I afford to be effective, rather than trying to be right.”

It is poisonous for any inter-human relationship if one of the members tries to be right instead of trying to be effective. This, by no means, is meant to mean you are supposed to give in every time you argue, quite the opposite. If you have ever had or witnessed an argument between (two) people that both want to find an effective solution to the same problem, and these people are willing to cooperate (which can only be if nobody wants to be right), then you know how immensely constructive (and sometimes intense), yet extremely successful this can be.

It seems like, a healthy marriage, like all human relationships needs to be based on rules. In my opinion the main pillars of a successful (meaning constructive, healthy) marriage are a willingness to cooperate, a deeply rooted gratitude towards your partner and their sacrifice towards the common goals and an aversion to wanting to be right.